Narcissism Series from Sense-Ability Hypnotherapy & Coaching

The core if this article was written by by Sense-Ability Client, Nicola T, Edited, updated and revised to include aspects of sexual shame and coercion by Jane Pendry;

The beautiful original Illustration (c) Nicola T. Updated July 2024.

What is a Love Bomber? How do they operate? How do you avoid them?

In this series of articles on narcissistic abuse, Sense-Ability client Nicola T shares how she learnt to identify, and recover from, trauma and a pattern of narcissistic abuse.

Nicola’s healing gift to you

Solution Focused Hypnotherapy is the ideal process to help people Recover from Toxic Break-ups resulting from bullying, narcissistic abuse, coercive control or gaslighting once they are physically safe and understand what has happened to them.

The process gives clients personal agency to find their own solutions and rebuild their lives.

Part of Nicola’s solution is to share what she learnt about surviving narcissistic abuse in the hope others will be forewarned and forearmed, and better able to heal and recover.

How to Spot and Survive a Love Bomber

Slow down.

Watch out!

Please be aware narcissists are predators on the hunt. Eagles looking to catch their next prey.

Over the past decade, love bombing has become an increasing issue for younger people age 18-25. In fact it’s estimated that 70% of those aged between 18-55 have experienced some form of love bombing at some time in their lives. Women are in the highest risk category.

Solution Focused Hypnotherapist, Jane Pendry, who works with victims of narcissistic abuse, explains, “This may be because many women are more likely to have been abused early in life and have lower self esteem, be very isolated or lonely, and have a deep desire or need to be loved and validated. Attachment issues, isolation and loneliness are risk factors that make us vulnerable to love bombing.”

Moving too Fast

The biggest red flag is when relationships move too fast!

If within days or weeks your pursuer is saying things like, “I love you” and saying they want to get married within a few days or weeks of meeting, it’s a big warning sign. Or it may more deeply sexual, “I wanted you from the moment I saw you” and “I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you”.

Too much Affection and Praise

Love bombing is when an individual shows great interest in another person and showers them with gifts, love, attention and affection very fast.

The pursuer overwhelms his (or her) victim with lavish attention.

They say you have unique connection, they love your style or your personality over and over again, and very early on. That can all be genuine of course, but if they show no real interest in getting to know you, spending time with you, and they never ask questions about your life, friends or family, nor reveal much about themselves, the flattery is hollow and empty. It’s just a game. Most likely a pattern of behaviour.

The narcissistic Love Bomber moves fast, brainwashing their victim while showering them with love. They are preparing the ground for later devaluation, gaslighting, manipulation and control.

It won’t be long before they isolate their victim, pulling them away from family and friends.

Trust your Gut

Jane explains, “It can be possible to be wildly attracted to someone at first sight of course, but anyone pushing you faster than you want to go, making demands, overly flattering you, pushing your boundaries, and swamping you with attention is a threat. And you know it. You feel it in your body.

“There’s always an alarm signal but sometimes we over-ride it. Our need and desire for closeness, or our own wounds and trauma, can blind is to what is happening.

“Love bombers aim to create a deep emotional connection very fast to destabilise you, with a view to gaining control and make you dependent on them fast. So the key to avoiding being devalued and discarded down the line, is to cut and run at the beginning!”

Finding their Victims

Jane explained why this strategy can be so effective. “The love bomber has selected his or her victim carefully.

Some are looking for people with an abandonment issues who crave love and attention. Others love the challenge of controlling and taming strong independent people, and using them to bolster their own fragile sense of self. The love bomber may choose a much younger partner, or much older; or someone with disorganised attachment issues, low self worth, or a history of trauma.”

Anyone, especially young people, can be targeted by these bullies and control freaks, and often they play a long, slow game.”

What to Look Out For

Initial Tactics to Draw you In

Here’s a list from Nicola and Jane of a love bomber’s initial tactics to lure you in.

Excessive positive compliments and praise
Constant sharing of intense emotions very early on
Showering you with lavish or regular gifts
Deeply romantic, sexualised or intimate conversations from the beginning which escalate rapidly, sometimes into degrading sex
Intense conversations about marriage, and your future life together
Rarely asking you about your needs, hopes or dreams
Very superficial conversations
Ignores or pushes boundaries you try to set and has no interest in helping you maintain them
Little desire to spend time getting to know you, your interests and your hopes
Dismisses concerns, fears or anxieties without discussion
Shares few details of their every day life, family or friends
Appearing to be very open at first, but disclosing very little about themselves
Claim to have known you in a previous life or that it’s your destiny to be together
Become unreasonably jealous or controlling

A Villain in Shining Armour

Love bombing is used by a narcissist to hook someone with the aim of gaining control over a vulnerable individual.

Beware of apparent knights in shining armour turning up on a white horse.

If it feels too good to be true… it is!

My ex husband appeared to be that knight in armour. He showered me with gifts, flowers and attention, and all the fake admiration of the love bomber. He hooked me in, then a very young woman, at record speed. Even as I had my doubts and concerns, he began his charm offensive on my family and I soon felt trapped and powerless

It was not long before the armour went rusty and he became controlling, severely mentally unbalanced, and psychologically abusive.

Losing your Sense of Self

So when someone falls victim to a love bomber’s ambition they lose all sense of themselves.

Jane explains, “Victims lose a sense of their agency. Pushed and pulled back and forth between being showered with a performance of desire and undying love, promises and hope, followed by criticism, undermining, isolation, anger or aggression.

The victim feels like they are standing in an earthquake zone. Nothing is stable or secure and they wonder if it’s them. They try to pacify and please their partner. They increasingly violate their own boundaries to win back the attention they are losing.

“Victims live in increasing fear and confusion. They lose their personal agency and find decision making hard. Increasingly isolated, they are torn between a fear of abandonment, and a desire to escape. But now escaping has consequences, from financial or reputational ruin, to violence and cruelty. Now they are truly trapped.”

Why Do People Love Bomb?

For love bombers, it’s about seeking validation and filling the empty hole and shame where their self worth should be.

The shame and deep abandonment can never be filled, unless the narcissist chooses to address their deep rooted pain and shame. That’s never going to happen unless they hit rock bottom and seek professional help.

You might think you can heal their wounds, but you never can.

The kindest, most loving thing to do for them, and yourself, is to cut and run as soon as you can.

Overwhelmed by Closeness

Narcissists are very insecure people who are disengaged and avoidant. They love bomb and use flattery to control but cannot cope with genuine intimacy or the ups and downs of a real loving relationship. They are actually overwhelmed by closeness unless they are in control.

When their victim begins to show signs of need and vulnerability, the love bomber begins to devalue and undermine them.

Love Bombers’ Needs

The dynamic is based entirely on the love bomber’s needs.

Love bombers go to extreme lengths to secure the relationship at high speed. Simply not securing the other’s love and devotion triggers intense anxiety and fear of abandonment.

Control and Power

By overwhelming and charming a partner, the love bomber feels powerful, attractive, and in control. They make their partners feel amazing. Put them on a pedestal. Praise their beauty, talents and abilities.

Most of the time, the victim will not even realise what’s happening to them until it’s too late to walk away.

Feeling disrespected

If you frequently feel disrespected, through words or actions, pushing your boundaries, dismissing your feelings, or insensitivity toward your exposed vulnerability, it’s a clear sign that you are not in a healthy relationship.

The clues are that you begin to feel destabilised, overwhelmed, confused and unsafe. You violate your own boundaries. You feel and act a little crazy and out of character.

Disrespect can include public humiliation, private belittlement, devaluing, dismissal or railroading your wishes and needs.

Lack of emotional support

A lack of emotional support, honest intimacy, or shared vulnerability are signs of toxicity.

You might only start to realise this is happening when you frequently accept blame and responsibility for misunderstandings and miscommunications, while your partner takes none.

This dynamic will only get worse.

Three Stages of Love Bombing

The three stages of love bombing are idealisation, devaluation and discarding.

Idealisation

The love bomber will agree with you on everything and say what you want to hear. These are the sorts of ways they idealise you.

Telling you they are your soul mates
Saying they knew you in a past life
Amazing you by having the same hobbies and interests
Giving you excessive compliments and approval very early on
Bombarding you with texts and emails
Wanting to be alone with you all the time
Seeming too good to be true
Over-sexualising you and treating you like a prize
Consistently over-riding, ignoring or pushing any emotional or sexual boundaries you try to set
Belittling your need to set boundaries or treating boundaries as rejection
Sudden dramatic withdrawal of affection and equally sudden resuming of love bombing
Sometimes boasting, exaggerating and grandiose statements to impress
Sending photos of themselves looking attractive, fit and powerful - not photos like meals out with friends or photos with family. It’s all about them.
Isolating you from family and friends

Devaluation

After the love bombing phase, the manipulator soon starts to devalue the victim. Affection, praise, gifts and positive attention steadily diminish. The tormentor will begins to blame his love interest for his loss of interest.

This is where the once loving intimate sex becomes demeaning and degrading. The lover has remarkable control and is seductive and enticing.

A turn in the dynamic

Suddenly there’s a turn in the dynamic. Every conversation becomes sexual. They call you or message you at work and home with sexualised messages about how they want you and what they want to do to you. At first these are a little thrilling but there’s a point they turn a little darker.

Usually there’s a kink of some kind that appears at this stage, and it invariably involves some form of degradation. Sex that includes name calling, or physical slapping for example. But the victim is lured in because it’s framed as loving and normal, although it feels deeply uncomfortable. But the victim finds themselves consenting to things they are not entirely comfortable with.

You are being groomed! It will only get worse.

Trying to set boundaries

When the victim tries to set boundaries these are swept aside. The lover is not interested in helping you stay safe and boundaried. That’s no fun! They are driven by their own needs and the excitement of controlling you.

Withdrawing affection

Next comes a lot of drama. Withdrawing affection. Becoming distant - sometimes physically. Sulking. Brooding. Angry. Brittle. Your lover is now the victim you have to woo back. You miss the intense attention. You let them back in.

Then slowly and steadily comes criticism, insults, undermining, and gaslighting, when the abuser starts to deny the reality of what’s going on.

The manipulator often begins to whittle away at the victim's self-worth and sanity, while still keeping them isolated and fearful, making them more and more vulnerable and dependent.

Gaslighting

As part of the devaluation phase, we see a pattern of gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation which aims to make someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband slowly manipulates his wife into believing she's going insane.

The gaslighter denies having said or done something, even if there is evidence to the contrary and persistently contradicts the victim's recollections, insisting that their version of events is wrong.

Feelings or concerns are dismissed, making them seem unimportant or exaggerated. Typically, the gaslighter accuses the victim of the very behaviours or actions of which they themselves are guilty.

Doubting your own experience

Gaslighting aims to undermine the victim's confidence, making them doubt their own experience and judgment, sanity, and perception of reality. Over time, this leads to emotional distress and an erosion of self worth.

Discarding

Finally, the manipulator moves towards the discarding phase.

Now they have complete control over the victim, the abuser decides to end the relationship and withdraw attention abruptly.

They may suddenly leave them, start another relationship, or force them to leave the shared home but with little explanation and no kindness. This is generally deeply confusing and painful for the victim, who had tried so hard to meet the needs of the abuser.

It’s likely the manipulator has moved on to another new target before discarding the last one, to repeat the cycle of love bombing and devaluation.

So be warned. It has nothing to do with you; and everything to do with the love bomber.

Looking for a Healthy Relationship

In a healthy relationship, we should feel physically and emotionally safe and secure.

If we find ourselves constantly on edge, feeling unstable, anxious or worried about provoking anger, it's a sure sign the relationship is not a safe space for us.

Think about what you need to feel safe and build your own self worth, focusing on your core values and beliefs.

And take it slow in future!

Getting Over Love Bombing

Jane Pendry at Sense-Ability helps people recover from love bombing and narcissistic abuse with Rewind Trauma Therapy, Solution Focused Hypnotherapy and NLP when they are physically safe and have gained clarity on what has happened to them through counselling or research of their own.

These patterns of behaviour are often associated with narcissistic personality traits and can have significant emotional and psychological impact on the victims. If you suspect you're in such a situation, seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional is crucial.

Once you are physically safe, away from your abusers, and have been heard, validated and believed by friends, relatives or counsellors, then it’s time to get help.

Take Responsibility

We are responsible for our own healing and growth - Sense-Ability Hypnotherapy & Coaching — We are responsible for our own healing and growth.
Photo (c) Unsplash Hope Diego PH.jpg

Ultimately, we are all living out our dramas but the only person who can change is you.

We have to take responsibility for our own wellbeing, safety and growth. We must acknowledge our choices and our toxic patterns and look to change them ourselves.

No-one will rescue us!

We must find happiness within ourselves first, before we can connect with intimate partners in healthy ways.

Let go of shame and blame - of your toxic love bomber, full of toxic shame and anger - as well as yourself. Then you can begin the journey to recovery, growth and happiness.

The love bomber and narcissist must find their own path to healing and growth; and you must find yours.

That’s very hard to do in practice but it’s the long term aim.

There’s someone so much better for you out there.

Solution Focused Hypnotherapy for Healing and Growth

Jane will help you recover and overcome the trauma of being love bombed and emotionally consumed, with Rewind Trauma Therapy and EMDR, and steadily rebuild your sense of self and purpose with soothing Solution Focused Hypnotherapy.

Get in touch to find out more.

Jane Pendry
BA Hons (London), PGCE (Cantab), DSFH, HPD, AfSFH, ABNLP, ABH, CNCH, IARTT
Sense-Ability Hypnotherapy & Coaching
jane@sense-ability.co.uk
07843 813883
www.sense-ability.co.uk

Wheatley, Oxford, United Kingdom
Online across the U.K. and Europe